i fastened the last button on the dark red shirt and looked at myself in the mirror…my eyes sunk in, skin was pale and my five o clock shadow had turned into a seven o clock mess. i wanted to leave the store, there was no reason for to me to be buying a new outfit, no need for new shoes or a new pair of jeans, and i might wear this shirt one time but…i wouldnt be taking any of it where i was going.

i walked out of the store with a full wallet, id had intentions of living dangerously today, breaking some sort of rules, the only thing i did was speed through a yellow light…some part of you wants to lash out when you find out your time is limited, but i was still trying to reason with god…maybe if i dont live lavishly he’ll give me a few more weeks, months, maybe he’ll take it away all together…

i’d called her cell phone seven times, still not an answer, i knew it must be painful to love a dying man, but how about being the dying man, trying to love a hurting woman? she knew where she’d be in three weeks, as for me, i’d be floating around somewhere, trying to find my way into heaven, an undeserving man with a need to be saved.

i saw a young man walk out of a department store with 4 bags full of clothes he had the rest of his life to wear…i looked down at the small tear in the bottom corner of my old grey shirt, felt the bulk of my wallet and walked back into the door to find that dark red shirt.

maybe if i spent so much money on a shirt, god would give me a little more time to wear it