June 2010
23 posts
june 28th
I found out about your existence today. At first I did not know how to react. I sat in a bathtub full of bubbles and couldn’t move, I called a friend who came over and without even asking played my favorite song on repeat. I called my wife who knew exactly what to do. We jumped in her car and she picked a few mood fitting songs for me to listen to…one made me cry, the other made me...
goes downhill.
tonight my own thoughts are driving me crazy…i want to be free from the restraints i set on myself. free from my own pressures. the ones i created for myself, the ones that were by products of those firsthand mistakes, and the ones from outside sources. ive always been too much of a giver, it led me to a dead end street. i crawled my way back to the fork in the road and made sure i...
heart.
shades of grey against a matte black sky, there were perfect visions dancing around the green of your eyes…i could have said so much but the silence was comfortable…it made me want to love you all over again. your eyelashes that crossed over and under eachother, tangles of hair to protect your vision, vision that was already imperfect but you seemed not to mind. there was no voice in...
i dont know...
you taste almost as good as you smell, a smell that makes me weak at the knees. when i talk about you i feel like some semi poetic little girl… but i can’t help the way your ripped jeans and tight v-necks make me wish i was that fourteen year old and that we were pushed up against some back wall of a show with dim lights and loud music, drowning out every possible word that came to my mind, the...
5:17 a.m
without you. i realize how spoiled ive become when im alone in a bed too big for just myself. there is no red pillow here, im not sleeping beneath 4 blankets or up against a warm body. there are four pillows here, two on my side. one purple make up stained blanket and nothing to hold me.
i want to fall into you, gracefully like the petals off the flowers you wish upon. dancing around in the...
change.
it was warm outside, the kind of warm where the electricity in the air is waiting to strike, not to create a storm but instead something beautiful. i caught my breath multiple times from my car to your driveway. there cloud of smoke appeared from behind the corner just before you did, it was still leaving your lips when you locked eyes with mine.
i wanted to describe the way you touched me,...
desire.
all i want to do is fall between the folds of your memory, pop up in blank spaces as your day progresses. a passing thought during breakfast, the reason youre three minutes late for work…maybe even the final thought to end your day. i want to sink into bed beside your body, wrap myself in the very essence of your being, i want to be taken over, under, any way you’ll have me. i want to experience...
cant touch you.
she pulled the strap back over her shoulder, almost 20 times later she gave up, it wasn’t worth the effort and it always fell back down, she didn’t fit in the dress or in her own skin anymore, i saw her try to run but her feet stuck the ground almost like cement had taken over the skin up around her ankles. he left without saying a word, those goodbyes are the most painful because there are no...
that honest.
due to the slow passing of these hours i must say goodbye, im leaving in two weeks and there is one ticket left in the spot you first took me to tell me that you loved me. i love you but you are missing, find me, find yourself, we’ll dance in our living room and draw on each other again until i fall asleep in your arms and wake up in the exact same spot, looking up at your bright eyes looking down...
home.
do you ever stop and wonder what exactly it is that we’re runnin from? think about it, we haven’t seen home, or anywhere close to it in months, we’ve just been runnin, town to town, city to city, state to state, i’ve woke up in this car more times than i’ve woke up in my actual bed and although these mix tapes and sad ol’ country lyrics are quite the companion i just wanna know why we started...
reasonable.
“i saved every poem you ever wrote” “what?” “i know we said we weren’t gonna talk this time, we’d just walk down this road and pretend tomorrow morning wouldn’t come, but i needed you to know i saved every poem you ever wrote. im taking them all with me, they’re shoved in bundles of socks and in between folds in the creases of my shorts, we aren’t allowed to take much with us and the next few...
concealed.
the words fell from your mouth in perfect shapes across the tile, just as the layers of skin fell from your shoulders, sprinkling the floor with what seemed to be a never ending arrangement of all of the things you hated about yourself. the ones that didn’t get you noticed, the way you arranged your words haunted my safest dreams, the parts of me i’d never been able to show anyone, they were...
dark.
i knew then why i must never trust you, the words fell from the corners of your mouth…sticky and sweet, keeping me prisoner in my own skin just steps away from your face. i’d been close to danger before, i’ve looked it up and down, straight in the eyes. but this time, this time i could taste it, the smell made itself one with my skin and as i tried to speak only your intentions revealed...
inspiration.
silence took over the parts of you i only wanted to hear, a sour thickness took over all the parts of you i wanted to kiss, blindness prohibited me from the parts i wanted to see…i was inches away from your hand but mine wouldn’t move to touch it, words away from your ears but my mouth wouldn’t let me speak…that night i heard more from you than i had the entire week prior to the car ride that...
mary & paul.
“i had it all once”, her frail body let out a few soft words, “i had it all.” i remember the first day i met her pacing up and down the plain white halls, her head always held down, never looking up from her small feet. “there was a hot summer, followed by a warm fall, the coldest winter…there was fire and there was ice, there was wind and there was rain, i cried and i laughed and i held it all...
just thoughts.
sometimes the thought of you is bitter, like the taste of water with too much lemon. other times it’s too sweet, like a double layer chocolate fudge cake. most times when i think of you it’s bland, like stale crackers that disappoint you when you’re hungry but not enough for an entire meal…i tire easily, a new trait that im still getting used to, some nights im so exhausted that i can’t even...
waking up.
i danced that night, threw caution into the wind and my shoes off to the left, i just danced. slow circles with my arms spread out, a soft country tune in the background with the lyrics floating around my feet. he watched from a distance…still close enough to listen to my heart beating. i looked up from the ground to meet his eyes, undressing me right there on that empty hardwood floor, he stepped...
the rain.
i danced around thoughts of you, falling around me like rain…to anyone else i looked happy skipping along with rain boots too big for my body, dodging puddles but falling victim to pot holes. i beat the shower but got caught in the mist, where the rain is like a sheet…everyone knows it’s easier to escape drops. i found myself in a state of being that only existed in a perfect world, the kind where...
thoughts two and a half weeks later.
two weeks turned to three and three to four, and now I’m here unsure what to think. should I praise god for giving me more time of display my anger for not bringing her back with it? I’m looking at a calendar two and a half weeks past the little red ex on the left hand corner, my expiration date. this is what I was now, an expired person… like the milk on the second shelf of the fridge no one...
thoughts in a bedroom.
i wanted to write a letter to everyone i’ve ever been impacted by, to tell them all of the things i wanted to do, all of the things time wouldn’t allow me to accomplish, the ways they’ve helped shape the person i became, i was going to start with brooke. i wanted to tell her how much she made me smile, the way i felt when she walked into a room…i wanted to thank her for bringing out the child in...
thoughts at a department store.
i fastened the last button on the dark red shirt and looked at myself in the mirror…my eyes sunk in, skin was pale and my five o clock shadow had turned into a seven o clock mess. i wanted to leave the store, there was no reason for to me to be buying a new outfit, no need for new shoes or a new pair of jeans, and i might wear this shirt one time but…i wouldnt be taking any of it where i was...
thoughts at a stop light.
I sat at the stop light for what felt like ten minutes…cars passing by me in all directions but I was rendered immobile. I glanced at the clock and then to my left, the blond in the car next to me was belting out the lyrics to Miley cyrus’ new hit while her boyfriend hid his head in shame…I wanted to know what the rest of the world was doing the moment I fell apart, the moment my heart was...
2:43 a.m
rose scented soap on the corner of the sink, i washed my hands with the same water that rushed away any evidence that you ever existed. the tears hit the metal at the bottom at the same time the drops of water fell from the nozzle. there were many times that day i wanted to fall asleep, wake up and try again. maybe i slept too many hours the night before, or maybe i didn’t sleep enough…i just...