I found out about your existence today.  At first I did not know how to react.  I sat in a bathtub full of bubbles and couldn’t move, I called a friend who came over and without even asking played my favorite song on repeat.  I called my wife who knew exactly what to do.  We jumped in her car and she picked a few mood fitting songs for me to listen to…one made me cry, the other made me think, the last made me laugh.  As we approached the little white building on the left side of the street my heart sank into my stomach…i almost forgot how to walk.  I mustered up the strength to open the door and go right inside.  There was no wait, a sweet blonde lady led me back to a room with a comfortable sofa with tissues on the arm rest, almost as if she’d prepared for me to come.  I asked her for a test and when i came back there was a little pin waiting for me on the couch pillow…tiny little feet.  i knew you existed then.

youre hardly any bigger than a seed and i already love you, more than i ever thought i had the capacity to love anyone.  and that love for you has helped me love myself.  i changed a lot in 48 hours, i changed a lot in a matter of moments…and i hope that for the rest of your life you know that i am always going to be here to love you. and if you only have one person to count on that is enough. 

life may be hard at first, the road may be long and curvy and at times dark and scary, but i will do everything within my power to love and care for myself enough to love and care for you.

i may be alone and i may be young, but i promise to give you the most i can give you, and if someone decides to step up and be a part of your wonderful life i can only hope you find the good in him that i saw…

tonight my own thoughts are driving me crazy…i want to be free from the restraints i set on myself.  free from my own pressures.  the ones i created for myself, the ones that were by products of those firsthand mistakes, and the ones from outside sources.  ive always been too much of a giver, it led me to a dead end street.  i crawled my way back to the fork in the road and made sure i forgot every single graham cracker crumb i left to get back to there. 

- i want to take you away with me when i go.

there are many parts of you ive had before, and i still want them.  ive never been so intoxicated by one person, one thing at all in my entire life.  i can still taste you, although its been almost a week. i can still feel your fingers in my hair.  a week seems pathetic, a small amount of time to be pining about…but its been so much longer than that since ive actually had your heart. aside from one night that you let it out to me, at our spot…laying up looking at beautiful grey clouds.  i just want you again, your soul…not just the body that encases it.  that body is beautiful and that body is unique, but i think your soul has a much more prominent presence. 

speaking of souls.  sometimes i wish there were a way to remove them from our bodies, bodies are such useless and foolish things.  i wish we had no option but to show our true colors, no make up or hair dye, even though they cover physical flaws, it seems you draw a sense of entitlement from that, which leads you to believe you can cover deeper flaws. and it happens, it rings so true. the most corrupt pathetic people can seem like the most special.  i think i hate that the most. how someone so close to you can be such a fucking down-right bitch.

this was supposed to be poetic, beautiful, ive been trying to hard to get everything out of my head and on to paper. out of my head and into pictures, nothing is fufilling anymore and my anger is starting to show again.

i need a fucking adventure.

shades of grey against a matte black sky, there were perfect visions dancing around the green of your eyes…i could have said so much but the silence was comfortable…it made me want to love you all over again.  your eyelashes that crossed over and under eachother, tangles of hair to protect your vision, vision that was already imperfect but you seemed not to mind.  there was no voice in my ears, no sounds of television or speeding cars.  there were crickets and a slow trickle of lake water.  there was a blanket underneath us, my head settled right on your chest, listening to the familiar beat of your heart…one that nursed me to sleep time and time again.

you calm me in a way no one else ever could, your face brings back memories from a not distant childhood. one you never experienced with me but i wish you had…growing up doesnt ever have to end, neither do fairy tales or nights where we blow bubbles instead of sleep early for work.  i want to take you into fields of tall grass and flowers and dance around with you until we fall to the ground weak at our knees.

there are no words to describe how much love i feel for you.

you taste almost as good as you smell, a smell that makes me weak at the knees.  when i talk about you i feel like some semi poetic little girl… but i can’t help the way your ripped jeans and tight v-necks make me wish i was that fourteen year old and that we were pushed up against some back wall of a show with dim lights and loud music, drowning out every possible word that came to my mind, the only thing i could focus on would be your mouth and how much i wanted to feel it on my neck.

i didnt know you then from a stranger, i know you now like the back of my hand, the best part, you dont realize that yet.  but for as much as you claim to have your walls up, ive already figured you out, down to the smallest details.  your hazel eyes with their shades of green.  your soft lips and strong jaw.  your tattooed arms and pale skin beneath them.  how you try not to smile but it shows anyway.

i told you not to fall in love with me, i feel bad now that you have.

sometimes i wish i was a little less.

without you.  i realize how spoiled ive become when im alone in a bed too big for just myself.  there is no red pillow here, im not sleeping beneath 4 blankets or up against a warm body.  there are four pillows here, two on my side. one purple make up stained blanket and nothing to hold me.

i want to fall into you, gracefully like the petals off the flowers you wish upon.  dancing around in the air before landing right on top of your skin.  i want to run my fingers across your chest and trace out lines across your back.  i want to feel your hands on my neck, in my hair.

i want to hold your hands when im sleeping, wake up a couple hours later in the same exact position, i am safe when i am with you, i am sound and taken care of and enveloped and comfortable.  i am soft and fragile and youre the only person who has ever made me feel that way.

i want to feel you tonight, but reality is back and the dream world i was living in had to go.  i need another 72 uninterrupted hours with you.  i need way too much time in your bed.  i want to feel every inch of your body feeling every inch of mine.

it was warm outside, the kind of warm where the electricity in the air is waiting to strike, not to create a storm but instead something beautiful.  i caught my breath multiple times from my car to your driveway.  there cloud of smoke appeared from behind the corner just before you did, it was still leaving your lips when you locked eyes with mine. 

i wanted to describe the way you touched me, your hand tracing the curve in the small of my back, i wanted to explain how your fingertips were soft but firm in just the right places.  or how your lips found mine in a way i’d never been kissed before. the way you fit perfectly, or maybe not…maybe there wasn’t anything perfect about it, and that’s what made it feel so good.  i wanted to talk about how you touched my hips, how hard it was to catch my breath, or the way i could feel yours shaking when you grazed my neck with your lips.  i wanted to talk about the depth of your voice as it found home in my ears, how soft you spoke but how resounding…how you made it feel as if i was floating even when i was planted firmly against a surface.

but all of that would cheapen it, nothing would make sense if i explained it to everyone, it was one of those nights you want to pause, and live in over and over again.  but life doesn’t have a replay button…i wish so bad sometimes that it did.

waking up to three kisses before you went to shower, rolling over and looking at you as you walked to the bathroom, i curled back up in a blanket that never belonged to me and dug my head into a pillow that looked familiar to one i had at home.  there was a light above my head that let me know morning was here, and for as much as i wanted to fall back asleep reality was making its unkind way back into my life.

all i want to do is fall between the folds of your memory, pop up in blank spaces as your day progresses. a passing thought during breakfast, the reason youre three minutes late for work…maybe even the final thought to end your day.

i want to sink into bed beside your body, wrap myself in the very essence of your being, i want to be taken over, under, any way you’ll have me. i want to experience the life that lies just beyond the tips of your fingers.

i want to lose my breath at the sight of your mouth, only to regain the oxygen being pressed into my lips from behind yours. i want to ache in all the right places for more of you, i want to indulge in a world that knows only passion, i want to be taken there behind your lead.

and i want to wake far too late into the afternoon, turn to my left and see your worn out body fragile, innocent, laying across the bed. i want to trace words into your back until you wake up and start the entire process over again.

she pulled the strap back over her shoulder, almost 20 times later she gave up, it wasn’t worth the effort and it always fell back down, she didn’t fit in the dress or in her own skin anymore, i saw her try to run but her feet stuck the ground almost like cement had taken over the skin up around her ankles.


he left without saying a word, those goodbyes are the most painful because there are no words, no warnings, just an empty space where a warm body was the night before, i would hate you but indifference is the opposite of love so i simply chose to not care about the depth of your eyes, or lately the lackthereof


i heard a voice on the phone and it brought me to tears, not because of a relationship gone wrong or a friend who just stopped being there, but because it was the most beautiful voice id ever heard, and his mental capacity will never allow him to comprehend that, or even his own name, but i heard the clicking and i just wanted to go back to that classroom and sit with a boy who had so much life behind his eyes, i learned more from him that i’d ever learned from another human being and he’ll never be able to understand that.


i felt death in the room, crawling around trying to find it’s next victim…the only people there were people i cared about too much to lose, i asked a question out loud to try to throw it off but it didnt go away, i love you all too much to let you go i thought, at that moment the feeling was gone and i could breathe, perhaps there still is some good left in the world


i remember chasing you through tall grass through rows and rows of trees, looking around for someone who was always just a few turns away, this time i ran through that grass to get away, i ran through the trees but not in patterns searching for love, it was a straight and narrow path looking for an escape, my car was already started and the person in the drivers seat wasn’t you, it was symbolic, you are no longer steering my life, nor do you play a part in it at all, we drove away and i watched his left hand grip the wheel and his right turn the knob on my stereo, the bones almost jumped out of his hands because his skin was so thin but it was beautiful, i kissed his cheek and said goodbye, i knew there wouldn’t be another hello but that was alright, sometimes a day with a stranger means so much more than months with someone who is supposed to be your lover.


i knew you at once only we were young and impressionable, even though you thought you could stand up next to kings and still be above their level and i was basking in the glow of everything you stood for, your words came out like honey, sweet but sticky…the very sight of honey now makes me think back to nights spent talking about things we never even knew, and experiences of dead men that we thought we could live up to, theres a line in a song ‘i told her i loved her and we both laughed cause we know it isnt true’ that fits us, i didn’t love you and you didn’t love me but in that basement with all of those beautiful words it just seemed right.


sometimes i just want to kiss you (id go on but it would get too involved, just know that i think you are beautiful and most days i just want to kiss your face and hold your hand and show you that the beautiful girls, they’re nice but im nice too and if you just want to stay with me that would be okay because when we’re not arguing im enjoying your smile and when we’re not being stubborn i love your conversation.)

due to the slow passing of these hours i must say goodbye, im leaving in two weeks and there is one ticket left in the spot you first took me to tell me that you loved me. i love you but you are missing, find me, find yourself, we’ll dance in our living room and draw on each other again until i fall asleep in your arms and wake up in the exact same spot, looking up at your bright eyes looking down into mine.

—too good to be true.

he deleted my remains
as if he were throwing my bones one by one into shallow water, just deep enough to be hidden but painfully obvious enough only to him that i did once exist, like that movie you saw as a kid that you secretly loved, but as soon as a friend asked you about it denied its beauty, just as he denied mine.
as if we were paintings on a wall and the landlord came to erase our remains for all the new tenants looking for a safe place to land.

—it always ends that way.

i drove as far as i could go but it’s never far enough, the edge of town was a horizon filled with orange and grey dust circling up just above the ground as the sun warmed the grass that used to lay down underneath our bodies and leave traces of the secrets we told before the night fell completely over a silent town, but in the silence there are secrets.

—it will eat you whole

i see them look at me now as if i were a victim of some vicious crime, a patient with a disease you only whisper about because there is no cure, i can no longer return to the places that used to belong to us, their eyes tear me apart and break me down even when im not broken, i hear the voices behind closed doors and shuttered windows speaking of me and i want nothing more than to shout at the top of my lungs, but my breath is too shallow and when i try to open my mouth to speak nothing comes out

—youve even got a hold of my voice

i painted my nails and immediately chipped off all of the polish, you talked about the color as if it were a person who kept you company when your nights were lonely and you used to find it hard to indulge in companionship, a friend if you will, one to tell all of your secrets to, but even things as safe as inanimate objects are never secure.

—you of all people should know that


you meant something to us once, you were known for your mind and the painfully honest images you could create using nothing but a pen and paper, the magic that used to come from your words, now i dont know the sight of you from a stranger, a face that blends into any crowd with a voice that falls only on deaf ears, and for once i am not blind to the facts or deaf to the truth. i no longer hear you, nor do i see you..i guess there was never a you to begin with, just a very rehearsed actor who decided himself to close the curtain before the act was over.

—because you were never that honest

do you ever stop and wonder what exactly it is that we’re runnin from? think about it, we haven’t seen home, or anywhere close to it in months, we’ve just been runnin, town to town, city to city, state to state, i’ve woke up in this car more times than i’ve woke up in my actual bed and although these mix tapes and sad ol’ country lyrics are quite the companion i just wanna know why we started runnin in the first place.

ive seen home every day on this trip, every minute, every second…home is right beside me, home is in my hands, in my eyes, in my breath, home is right here, we’re runnin because ive lost you once, ive lost you twice, and im not sure i could do it again, and each day we were just sittin there, i felt you slowly movin away…and i realize now all the runnin in the world wont bring you any closer to me, we’re runnin because i was waitin for this exact talk and i realize just now, that i’ve lost you for the third time

how do you say that? im right here, right beside you the same way i always am, im just confused about why we cant go home…

ive told you already, i am home.